The Way Of The Way by James Lawn
I’ve lost my way so many times …. I’ve lost count of the ways I’ve lost my way. And the time! I’ve lost so much time in so many ways, days and days of it – in ways you wouldn’t believe. I don’t believe it and I was there! Apparently. Ostensibly. At the back somewhere not paying attention. That’s me all over – somewhere at the back. Even when I’m at the front taking notes, somehow I’m at the back playing, not paying attention to what needs it. Allowing my attention off the lead as it were, to run and chase and sniff whatever calls to be sniffed, as it were.
Was I born at the back, or maybe down one of the sides? Perhaps looking for a way to get to the front or a way to find my way amongst all the other people’s ways. Which I must say, I never saw them find – they just had them already. Whenever I turned away or around and then looked back, some of them had found their way or found a new way. But it was always whilst I wasn’t looking, so I never saw the trick.
Still if I’ve lost my way and lost it repeatedly, by definition I must have had it to lose it. But it never felt like that. Whatever it was didn’t feel like my way, My Way Of Choice. So, I must have had …. temporary ways, arbitrary ways. That’s it! Lacking an obvious clear cut, copper bottomed way of my own, I must have reached out and grabbed whatever way was blowing in the breeze. Any wild card whimsical way that happened to be drifting by. What a way to find a way! ……. Perhaps I didn’t even reach out. Oh God. Perhaps I was so without purpose and plan that ways – just blowing around me like dandelion seeds – simply stuck to me, they selected me. Can it have been that way? No way! No way can I have been that feckless. No one is that lazy, idle and shiftless … are they? Well not me for sure. It might have looked like that from the outside but inside, as I remember it, I was just biding my time. Observing the ways of others, seeing them stumble, fail, get hurt or – dammit – succeed. I was learning from their mistakes. Waiting for my way to bubble to the surface, to emerge butterfly-like from the cocoon of my mind. Some things take longer to arrive than others, that’s simply the way of it.
Thank heavens there’s no official check or audit of ways. Her Majesty’s Inspectorate of Ways & Life Plans would be my worst nightmare. A government body requiring the annual completion of a return detailing just exactly what you planned to do with your life in the coming year. To be crossed-checked and reviewed with what you’d said in previous years and evaluated as to how it integrated with the broad sweep of everyone else’s life plans.
“Thank you for coming in. I’ve been looking at your return and I’m puzzled. If there’s a good, thought out, watertight plan here, then it evades me. I simply can’t see even the semblance of a way. Just show me please, how your individual way of life contributes strategically to life as a whole”
“Err … well … err …”
“Or is there some other deeper meaning in your plan that I’m not seeing?”
“A deeper meaning? Err …. yes, that’s it, there must be”
“And what is that then?”
“….. I’m still working on it”
“Well, we can’t wait forever can we? I must ask you to complete Supplementary Sheet DM 106 where you can articulate whatever you feel your Deeper Meaning, your ‘profound contribution’ to life is. Questions 1 to 5, continue on an extra sheet if necessary. I’d like it within 3 months. Thank you.”
As I look back, perhaps my ramshackle, haphazard route through the days and years has been my way. It just doesn’t look like other people’s ways. It doesn’t look anything like the seeming single-mindedness-of-purpose ways of some, or the tick-off-the-sterling-achievements route plans of others. Perhaps the things that appeared to get in my way, were actually component parts of my way and I need to pull back to get the whole and bigger picture. I think I’d be struggling though to bring it all together onto Supplementary Sheet DM 106. No way!
© James Lawn 2016
The Bigger Picture a short story by James Lawn
So, Mister er …… ?
Smith.
Yes, Mister Smith. Thanks for completing the form, this is helpful – this is …
…er …….. er …. There’s a lot of incidents here.
Well I’ve been through a lot.
Torture, false imprisonment, stoning …. this is dreadful! Um… if you don’t mind me saying, you’re looking well on it all.
I feel very well. I feel very satisfied today.
Good, good. Still …… public flogging – that’s got to hurt.
Oh it does, no doubt about it. And I’ve continued onto an additional sheet as your form suggests.
So you have …… err ….. err .. beheading, live burial – disembowelment?!
And burning at the stake.
And burning at the stake. Mister Smith, what am I to make of all this?
It’s a catalogue of misery, and a list of horrible deaths.
Yes, but what am I to do with it?
Eleven twenty five, what were you doing?
Pardon?
Eighteen hundred?
Eleven twenty five, well I take lunch early, but normally at that time in the morning I’d usually be here in my office. And eighteen hundred hours? I’d generally be getting ready to go home. What’s this about?
Eleven twenty five – the year. Eighteen hundred – the year.
What? I wasn’t born until 1975, so I wasn’t doing anything. What’s the significance of 1125 and 1800?
That’s when it happened.
When what happened?
In those specific years, the beheading and the live burial.
Err …. let’s just back up a bit here. Are you suggesting you were beheaded in 1125
and ….. buried alive in …. in ….
Buried alive in 1800, yes.
Forgive me, I’m a little confused …. and I think you might also be.
My mind and my memory are crystal clear.
I think you must be hallucinating – you’re hallucinating these things.
No, they really did happen and my recollection is most vivid.
Err …. I think the only way you might be helped is for someone to …. to take you back under hypnotic regression.
We can certainly go back, though I’ll be taking you and we won’t need hypnosis.
Taking me back? No, that’s not the way it works.
If you’ll pardon me, it is on this occasion.
Err … remind me – who was it that referred you here? It doesn’t seem to be on your form. Excuse me a moment. Susan? …… damn this thing …… Susan, could you come through a moment?
Susan’s gone to ….. she’s in a light sleep.
But –
Just take some deep breaths and don’t tense your body, it’ll be easier.
Err ….
You’re tensing, relax your arms.
Aaaaaaargh! Aaaaaaargh! ……. what’s happening …… what’s that smell?
Some people tend to lose control of their bowels when they’re about to be beheaded.
My God! What is this? Who are these people?
Well, the man climbing the steps is me.
It doesn’t look like you.
I assure you it is. When my soul incarnated in 1125, this is the body I was in.
How … how is this happening? How are we here?
By special permission of the Keepers of the Akashic Records.
The what?
It doesn’t matter. What’s important is for you to see what you did.
What I did? How can I be there? I mean here?
Keep looking.
Is ….. is that me with the big axe?
No, no …. over there on the balcony in the green velvet robe.
My God, I –
You were Count Lothar, a ruthless and corrupt baron of Saxony.
He’s eating walnuts.
Very good. And your signal to behead was to raise you hand in a fist and –
– and open my palm letting the walnut shells fall – how do I know that?
Just like you’re doing …… now!
Oh no! No!
On this occasion I was one of a group of traders you swindled out of our livelihoods. When public sympathy looked like siding with me, you had me framed then ordered my death.
I don’t understand, I’m so, so, sssss
Sorry?
So sickened. And sorry yes. Sickened and sorry. And guilty, I feel it, I see it.
I want to show you something else.
Oh, no.
Hold on.
Aaaaaaargh! Aaaaaaargh! It’s dark. I can’t breathe.
There’s a bit of light, wait a while.
And that smell ……. what’s that?
That’s my body decomposing.
Uuuurgh!
This is what I was doing in July 1800. We’re inside the basement wall of Castle Melenge in Brittany – your residence at the time.
Why here?
Because this is where, two months ago, you had me buried alive – sealed in here.
My God! Why would I do such a thing?
A dispute in our family over inheritance and title.
We were related?
Yes my dear little brother, we were.
What can I say?
Sorry wouldn’t be out of place.
Err ….
But seriously, words are not what we’re here for. It’s about intent, consequences. A recognition and acceptance of what’s been done and if possible …. reconciliation. This is why I’ve been allowed to show you these things.
But I can’t do anything about the past.
That’s not quite true. Let’s go somewhere more tranquil – back to your office.
Um … is this going to hurt? I – Ohhhh – that’s amazing, that’s –
Yeah, it’s the only way to travel.
And I can breathe again.
Mm … nice feeling isn’t it? …… Where to start? Well time, linear time only exists from a certain perspective. Many belief systems acknowledge this truth.
But I really exist in linear time in 2016, with my family and my practice here in London.
Certainly you do, but you’ve also just experienced 1125 and 1800. Weren’t they just as real?
Yes, I don’t know how, but yes …. am I in a trance or something?
Think of a hardback book, completely opened up on itself so that the front and back covers are touching together and all the pages radiate out from the spine. Now if each side of each page represents say, one hundred years, you can see that 1125 and 1800 will be on different pages and so appear to be separated, yes?
OK ….
But, at the same time, the inner edges of each page are all attached to the spine of the book.
Yes …
Well, that spine represents the one universal constant moment – the now. Everything the human mind perceives as being in the past, present and future occurs somewhere on the side of a page, but it’s also linked to the spine and so exists as part of the colossal, all-encompassing now.
Yes, but –
It’s a simple analogy. It’s symbolic – an explanation of something the human mind isn’t fully capable of understanding.
But, but ….. how do you know all this stuff?
I’ve had a long time to think about it – no pun intended.
None taken. ……. Err … and those deaths and other incidents on your sheet …… am I?
I’m afraid so. You’ve been very busy down the ages.
This is incredible ….. but, if each death was you – your soul – then why you?
Now that is a very interesting question. During thousands of incarnations of our souls, we’ve been alive together and interacted countless times.
I’ve never really believed in incarnation, in reincarnation.
Well get used to it buddy, that’s just part of the picture. At a soul level, we’ve been trying to work things out for ….. well for centuries.
What things for goodness sakes?
It’s varied. Forgiveness issues, trust, betrayal, service, love.
That’s a lot of stuff.
No different than any other souls really. It’s just that we’re not very good at it. In fact we’re extremely bad at it.
And each time I end up killing or maiming you?
Many times yes, but not every time. To be clear, I’ve also killed and done horrible things to you too.
Well that’s nice to know – I mean –
Look, you’re way ahead in the killing stakes, so don’t get complacent.
Oh.
We’re so bad at all this, that we appear as a massive statistical anomaly in the Akashic Records. That makes the Keepers of the Records look very bad.
The Keepers …. ?
Of the Akashic Records – a record of everything that’s ever happened.
Everything that’s happened! Wow! that’s got to be one big book!
It’s not a physical book, …. it’s …. it’s imprinted on the fabric of time.
Err ….
Don’t ask, just …. well the Keepers are extremely disappointed with us, so exceptionally they’ve intervened. They’ve given us an opportunity to resolve things ….. which is why I’m here with you now.
Well I can say right now, categorically, I won’t hurt or kill you in this lifetime, I promise.
Thanks.
Or in any other. I’ve learned a big lesson here.
Well, it’s not quite as easy as that.
Why? I’m not going to forget this am I? Not after all this killing.
Yes, you will.
No I won’t.
You already have.
What?!
You’ve already killed me in the future.
That’s ridiculous, I can’t have ….. I wouldn’t.
In 2107 and again in 2215.
Oh no! That’s impossible …. how is that possible? But, hold on ….. if I’ve already done it, that means it’s predestined.
You did it in a version of linear time BEFORE this intervention that’s happening now. This intervention is the whole point.
So what can we do? What do we do?
I’m afraid there’s no magic fix. Well, our discussion now with this bigger picture I’ve told you about, that’s fairly magical I’d say. What’s happening here is without precedence, it’s experimental stuff.
Yeah, yeah, but what do we actually do now?
I’m afraid it’s largely down to the tough stuff of daily life. You know, being kind, being compassionate, trying to think of what the greater good might be in any situation and then doing it.
Doesn’t sound like a bundle of fun.
It’s not about fun! Remember, our situation – our relationships down the centuries have been and continue to be spectacularly bad. Things will only improve from here onwards by scrupulous examination of our motives and actions in our dealings with everyone, including being totally honest with ourselves.
Yes, you’re right of course, I see that.
And those choices have to be authentically ours, made of our own volition, not a stick-on-patch of someone else’s beliefs.
So we need to remember Gandhi and his “Be the change you want to see”?
Exactly. And remember, it’s always an inside job.
Listen we can become friends, buddies. If we spend as much time as possible together, you meet my wife, my children, I’ll meet yours. That way we’ll build this stuff into our psyches, hopefully even into our cellular memory.
There’s just one thing – I don’t physically exist in linear time 2016.
What? But you’re here, you’re just as much flesh and blood as me.
Pretty impressive isn’t it? Its called a holographic projection, an energetic insert. I’m just visiting.
But why?
The spiritual …. what shall we say? the spiritual masters …. interrupted our reincarnational cycle – separated us for a while, literally to give us a break from the pattern.
What? They didn’t trust that we could sit down man to man with all this information, this new perspective and …. and work it out?
Yes, ….. they did.
What do you mean?
They did just that at the first intervention.
The what?
During our last physical incarnations together in the early twentieth century, I was given this information, this … same task and we had a similar interaction to the one we’re having today
Well what happened?
Things looked to be going well, you were very receptive as you are today, but then …
What ….. what?
We worked out a plan to ….. well some jealousy developed on your side and …
Oh no! You’re not saying …
On a camping trip1933, Lilly of the Valley poison.
My God, I’m a monster! I’m ….
No you mustn’t think that. That’s not going to help at all. They just thought it would be better if this time I only …. popped in briefly as it were.
To avoid the chance of me killing you again, that’s what you’re saying. I can’t believe this, I’m a crazy man, a lunatic!
No you’re not. You’re a psychiatrist.
Some career choice eh?
Actually yes. A brilliant career choice – at a deep level, a soul level, you chose this as an attempt to counter the pain and madness you inflicted in previous lives.
That’s big of me!
Yes it is, it really is, and you’re doing very well, believe me. So, just do the things we discussed. Do your best, that’s all anyone can do. Plus you’ve now had the extraordinary benefit of today – I don’t think you’re going to forget our discussions.
Damn right I’m not!
At least not in this lifetime. And you’re only 41 so you’ve many years to ponder on this.
What the hell! Did you see that? A bird’s flown right at the window! Will you look at that – just look at this Mr Smith – Mr Smith? – wh …..? Err ….. come in.
Oh, I thought you had someone in here. I could hear talking, I’m sure I could hear you talking with a man.
Oh that ….. I was ……err …. I was just practicing out loud a … a speech for tomorrow.
Well …. that must have been it. You look a bit flushed, are you OK?
A bird’s just flown right at the window.
Urrrgh. I’ll get Maintenance to clear it. Well your 3 o’clock is here a bit early.
Err …. Susan, do you know where this form came from?
Let’s see ……. “Mister Smith …… Torture, false imprisonment, stoning” …. what?
“Beheading, live burial!” …. this is nonsense. I’ve never seen it before.
So it’s not a referral?
Err …. no, that section’s incomplete. Perhaps someone took a form when I was busy on the phone and filled it in, you know as a joke ….
A joke? Ah yes, that’s what it must be.
Sorry about that. I’ll get rid of it, I’ll rip it up.
No, no, don’t do that, I’ll err …. I’ll deal with it.
Suit yourself. So can you see your 3 o’clock ? It’s Mr Lambert, you know – thinks he was Napoleon in a previous life.
Ah Mr Lambert. Yes … I’m …… I’m definitely in the mood to see him. Did he come by horse again?
Taxi – so maybe he’s making progress.
Perhaps. Though it is raining, maybe he didn’t want to get wet. Send him in.
© James Lawn 2016
The Mudkeeper: a short story by James Lawn
Mudkeeper: Yeah … we been looking after this mud for years, generations it’s been in the family.
Man: When you say looking after ….?
Mudkeeper: We take care of it proper-like.
Man: But doesn’t mud just take care of itself?
Mudkeeper: Your not from round ‘ere are you?
Man: Well actually I live down the road in Colchester.
Mudkeeper: Col – what?
Man: Colchester the big town …. down the road.
Mudkeeper: Can’t say as I’ve ‘eard of it
Man: You must have, it’s an old Roman town just along the A12.
Mudkeeper: Ah well, we don’t mix with them Romans.
Man: No, they’re not there now. It was a Roman town two thousand years ago, they’re long gone.
Mudkeeper: Buggered off back to Rome I shouldn’t wonder.
Man: Err … I suppose, in a manner of speaking. I can’t believe you’ve not heard of Colchester.
Mudkeeper: I got this mud to look after ‘ain’t I? Me and the missus. We can’t be swanning of to … Crowchester
Man: Colchester.
Mudkeeper: Wherever.
Man: So how do you look after the mud? What do you do with it?
Mudkeeper: Make sure it doesn’t dry out or turn too swampy.
Man: Surely that’s a function of nature? The sun dries it out and the rain makes it wet. There’s nothing to do. It’s mud when it’s muddy and not when it’s not.
Mudkeeper: You trying to tell me my job mate?
Man: No, no, not at all … it’s just …
Mudkeeper: This ‘as to be kept as mud at all times.
Man: But why?
Mudkeeper: Why? Because …. that’s what we do. It’s what we’ve always done. Putting extra water down or channeling off when it’s too rainy.
Man: You do that just to keep this piece of ground muddy?
Mudkeeper: Sometimes we ‘av to churn it up a bit – run a cart through it like.
Man: You have a cart?
Mudkeeper: Two carts. A big ’un and a little ’un
Man: But, but … how do you support yourself? What do you eat?
Mudkeeper: Squirrels and weasels of course.
Man: Oh.
Mudkeeper: But mainly squirrels and some sprouts.
Man: So … how do you live – where do you live?
Mudkeeper: We got a shack in the woods, two rooms. Why all these questions Mister? Are you from the castle, one of the Sheriff’s men?
Man: The Sheriff? Is he … important round here?
Mudkeeper: Keep out of his way is what I try to. He’s always after something – trying to skim off my squirrel pelts. Says he’s introducing a vermin tax.
Man: But I don’t understand. Why do you stay here?
Mudkeeper: When my dad died, the King’s Messenger came round and said I could either carry on being the Mudkeeper like my dad and his dad before, or have my ears chewed off by the Royal Whippets.
Man: So you chose to be the Mudkeeper.
Mudkeeper: No, I thought I’d chance it with the whippets but me missus talked me out of it.
Man: But why the mud here? There’s nothing here.
Mudkeeper: This, I think you will find, is a stra-te-gic-ally important piece of land.
Man: Strategically – that’s a big word.
Mudkeeper: Yeah I ‘ad to learn it off by ‘art. Don’t know what it means but I do know you can only get into the valley through ‘ere – through this mud.
Man: But why not take the B426? …. just a minute ago I stopped on the B426 to ask for directions.
Mudkeeper: Never ‘eard of the bee thing. Which direction did you want?
Man: Err … I can’t remember.
Mudkeeper: Well where d’you come from? …. wasn’t it that Crolchester place?
Man: Err … yes … Crolchester that’s right. Look I need to make a call.
Mudkeeper: That’s a fancy locket.
Man: No it’s just my mobile …. damn there’s no signal here.
Mudkeeper: I can send ya a fire signal to yon hilltop. Jed up there’s a watcher. What d’ya want to say?
Man: Err, I need to speak to Ron Purbeck of Whittle and Sons, uhm I need to say I’ll be late for the meeting because I’m lost near to …. where are we exactly?
Mudkeeper: We’re by the mud place.
Man: No I mean the exact location.
Mudkeeper: We’re by the mud place in the valley. You can’t get more exact than that.
Man: This isn’t going to work is it?
Mudkeeper: No not really. And we only have three signals – Sheriff’s coming, Sheriff’s gone, we’re on fire – bring axes.
Man: This whole thing is incredible. Ten minutes ago I was driving down the A12 to a business meeting in Norwich and now I’m ….. I’m back in …… It’s like I’ve gone through a hole in the space-time continuum. What am I going to do?
Mudkeeper: I think I could ‘elp you there. As it ‘appens I’ve been looking to take on an apprentice.
Man: What!!! But I’m from the twenty first century!
Mudkeeper: Well we all have our bad days now and then. You come back with me, an me missus’ll give you some sprout soup. Oh, and you don’t want to be filling your ‘ed with that space contimum stuff. You’ve a lot to learn if you’re going to be a Mudkeeper.
© James Lawn 2016